I put this part off longer than I should have. Honestly? It is so freaking scary to put yourself out there. To the world. To bare it all. Okay, to bare most of it, let’s be real here. I really didn’t believe this part was all that important. When I began writing about the “Anger Iceberg” I got to jealousy. While I personally didn’t think I struggled with jealousy when I first started researching the emotion, that all changed when I saw three little words. Not the good three. It was not “I love you.” Fear of Abandonment. That’s the three. Ugly, nasty, bitter, hateful words. When I see them, my first thought is you bastard. I assume you’d like to know why.
I am an abandonment survivor and I will be forever. The word abandonment will serve as a blanket description for the things I survived as a child and young adult.
Intrusive anxiety, chronic insecurity, depression, low self-esteem, feeling out of control, isolation, obsessive thoughts, codependency, envy in relationships, difficulty expressing emotion, inability to grieve, avoid commitments, pessimistic outlook on life, unworthy of love, trust issues, overanalyze everything, hypersensitive to criticism, very low self worth, repressed anger, overly controlling and the list could go on.
Fortunately for myself and so many others, these emotional, psychological and physical traumas can heal, with appropriate assistance. The wounds are struck deep in our hearts and our minds and will most likely be felt for a lifetime. Once they are understood and accepted, the pain no longer serves as the driving force throughout life. The healing process is vital so that we no longer see the flawed thinking, false beliefs and the impaired behaviors of those that hurt us.
I, like many others, have walked through the fires that could have and should have melted us. Instead, they forged us. This is my fire. This is my story.