It’s something strange that haunts me about you from time to time. It’s strange because it is familiar but unfamiliar. The familiarity is having this same feeling about you all the time. It is unfamiliar because that is the only thing that makes it familiar.
It’s the could have been, maybe should have been but better that it wasn’t. It never changes the feeling though. Logic can’t change emotion. It can help us understand it but it cannot change it.
The time for questions is gone and so are the answers. You aren’t gone, but the time is gone. But time is still going by me, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second.
I never got the chance to know you. The chance to love you, to hate you. To fight with you or not to fight with you. In that, I was also spared heartache that I cannot comprehend because I did not endure it. But because I did not endure it, I cannot grasp what I missed so I can be grateful.
Instead, I miss the one I never really knew. I’ve missed you forever. But you aren’t to blame, Dad. Even though I often do.
I missed you. For better or worse, I missed what I never knew. What I am missing now is knowing if you also missed what you never knew. Because you do not know. You can’t know now. The time has passed.
So now, when something happens in my life and I want to do what any little girl would. Just to tell her Father. I look up to heaven and say, “thank you, Father.”
Because I am a child with a Father, my heavenly Father.